 Practice self care and Feel good.
What I am going to share with you is very simple. It helped me a lot. In my recovery process after my last divorce, I decided to focus myself on a daily basis on what would make me feel good. I had to redefine what is it that makes me feel alive, that makes me feel good, excited for. Once I had an idea, I would just dive into it. I would make sure that I will do it everyday no matter free time I had. Listening to music, watching a good movie, read a book of my favourite author, watching humoristic videos on youtube, going to Yoga, being in nature, planning a trip….It was a way of focusing my attention on something positive. The more you feel good, the more you want more good. The more you shift your vibration energy, and the more you connect with a part of yourself that has a tendency to hide when we face challenges. No matter how sad, or angry, or hurt, I would make sure to practice ‘THE FEEL GOOD FEELING’ on a daily basis, even if I didn't feel like it. I knew it would shift my energy. I would also make sure that I would have some ‘Me Time”. Sometimes doing nothing, sometimes reflecting, sometimes just appreciating what was good in my life. When you practice the sense of FEEL GOOD FEELING, you start being to feel amazing. I would focus first on what would make me feel good, and will choose my social life based on that feeling. I would make myself a priority, more than being selfish. The question “ Would that make me feel good? “ was always there whenever I had to take a decision, or take actions. This practice combine to being in a place of love, will give you a great sense of self care, self compassion. This will relieve weight on your shoulders. You create a new safe space that would give you comfort and more confidence. This space will open up more possibilities in your life. You become more connected with being grateful. Focusing on what is good in your life, rather than what is missing. I made that quote mine:Tony Robbins “ Trade your expectations, for appreciation”. I would literally drop any expectations of any sort, and shift my mind on appreciation. I would breathe every morning on what I was grateful for. When you practice gratitude, you are in a place of love, and you shift your mindset to beauty, and infinite possibilities. I invite to reflect on what makes you feel good? And how can you incorporate it on your daily life, first as a practice, and then as something natural and necessary to take care of yourself. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at [email protected]  THE EXPERIENCE IS ONLY THE EXPERIENCE. I would like to point out that we have a strong tendency to believe that we know precisely who we are. That we control our experience by being certain of who we are, when in fact, a vast part of “who we think we are” has been programmed a certain way from our early childhood and as a result begins to be the subconscious track that plays in the background and becomes the script for how we ought to behave, and how we feel others ought to behave. We are under a spell called, “We will tell you what to do, what you should do, and who you are allowed†to be”. Through no fault of our own, we have largely been living under the influence of our parents, our teachers, our school environment, the places we lived, our culture and society, the expectations of others...etc. I truly ask you to consider the question, “Are we really who we think we are”? Or can we conclude that these old beliefs are no longer serving us, and it’s time for us to soften, and to begin to let go, understanding that something more evolved will come to take the place. If we are not careful to be aware, we will fall again into the trap to firmly identify ourselves with our story, our circumstances, our beliefs on what’s possible or not. We will again make the mistake of creating our identity solely based on the circumstances of our divorce, with the sense of repeat failure, or any other dramatically limiting stories we are telling ourselves. So it’s time to break the spell. Statements: "I am not my past" "I am not my stories" "I am not my divorce" "I am not my pain" Everything we live is just an experience. It is not us. And this experience is simply how we have happened to have experienced our life. There is nothing to judge about how life has unfolded for us. There is no one to blame; not even ourselves. So therefore, our experience does not define our identity. Our experience only helps us to uncover who we really are. Every experience is an opportunity to get closer to our true self, identifying our unconscious beliefs, breaking the spells of our childhood, and breaking our past emotional imprints. My experience of life is an opportunity to break free. Deep down we already have everything we need to live fully. The human experience is a way of unravelling ourselves. That begs the question, “If I am not my experiences, who am I really?” I am who I become overcoming my challenges ¨breaking old patterns living my experiences and sharing my truth. I hope you are starting to see how this is a wonderful opportunity to begin to focus on what we really want and to go after it, with an open mind and curiosity. It’s the perfect time not to let our challenges get into the way on how we really want live our life. Isn’t it amazing? You can reinvent yourself day by day. So, Who do you want be? In summary: The experience is just the experience. It doesn’t define who I am. ● Consider that your thoughts create the way you feel. ● Consider that the way you feel create your behavior. ● Consider that your behavior create your experience. ● In order to change my experience, I have to change believing in who I thought I was, and be open to infinite possibilities. What kind of thoughts support the person you want become? Reinventing yourself is about choosing the thoughts that feels right and good for your growth. Choosing the thoughts that feel right in your heart. And it starts now. If you knew you couldn’t fail, Who would you want be? What would your life be like? Take some time to envision it, and see how you feel about it. You may want take some notes here. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at [email protected]  I don't take anything personally anymore, and this has been phenomenal in achieving lasting change and a greater joy in my relationship with myself and with others in the world.
I am truly amazed on how making this agreement with myself has shifted my entire life and made me free no matter what others have to say or think. I just wish I’d grown up knowing that! You probably know the feeling. Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of the book THE 4 AGREEMENTS explains it so well: “Whatever happens around you don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream in their own mind, they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally we make the assumption that they know what is in our world and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds… Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up…But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement” Let me ask you a few questions: Do you ever feel rejected? Do you ever take seriously what people think about you? Do you ever take decisions in your life based on what people might think? Do you ever get triggered by someone’s opinion? Only a very few people don’t. We all have been in those places where we don’t feel free or empowered, just because we have not yet gotten in touch with the voice of our Inner Self. It’s time to break free especially when you are in the process of divorce, because everything will be a minefield, and there will always be a reason to take things personally. Be forewarned that the anger and the fear will take over and make it worse than usual. Take a moment, and think about it: How would your life be if you decide that the opinions of others has nothing to do with you? What would your life look like if you never took anything personally? What a revolutionary concept! What freedom you could experience your days with! All you really must do to master this concept is to make a new agreement with yourself. Once you’ve done that, love will take control over you and will make you feel belief that every decision is yours. You may want focus on experiencing more freedom, more free will, more responsibility for your actions. Ask yourself, “If I break free from other’s opinions, how would I feel?” Focus on that feeling when you want do something, make a decision, or clarify a situation. Practice this new agreement every minute of your life until you start to feel empowered by your own choices. Practice it over and over again, until it flows into your mind, spirit and soul. Mastering this agreement, you are on your way to freedom and healing. You will feel responsible for your life no matter happens around you. You will make clear choices based on what matters to you and according to your values. You will master of being aware of what is important to you, and why. Each decision makes it clearer, and you feel the power of your free will. By the way nobody loves being judged or told what to do. Act the same way with others in your life; let them be free of their decisions without being judgemental. We are all on our own journey and deep down we know what’s best for us. When you practice this agreement, you give permission and inspire others to do the same. You stop putting yourself and others in a box, and you stop relating to them through the lens of their past. You let everyone choose what they want and feel empowered by what led them to their choices. Isn’t it powerful and beautiful? When we are liberated of other’s judgements, a whole dimension of possibilities opens up and this is the beginning of a complete new experience in your life. Practice, Practice, Practice over and over again. Nothing ever happened over night. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at [email protected]  Without a doubt, divorce makes you feel uncertain. You don’t want to change everything in your life because you spent so many years to building it.
This change makes you feel worry about the future. You are in a place of not really knowing if you are strong enough to go through this experience. Indeed you are. And you will discover your power along the way. Like anything, you must crawl before you walk, and walk before you run. That is the journey. Part of the process of the divorce or break-up, leads us first to a place of being in shock, and in a place of denial. We strongly resist the circumstances of our lives. And the more we resist, the more the pain grows, the more we feel hurt, sad, and lonely, like a never-ending process. We very quickly feel completely overwhelmed by our emotions. Everything is amplified. Believe it or not: You are exactly where you are supposed to be. This is hard to imagine at the beginning, and you may be tempted to think, “If life were fair and if I was indeed worthy of love, how can I possibly begin to believe I am sentenced to feel this level of pain, for a reason!!?” I was there too. Exactly in your shoes. Let’s stretch your mind and let me give you another idea. How about a new perspective that I discovered for myself. So chances are , everything until now has lead you to this moment in your life where everything is falling apart, and you just can’t take it anymore. Please know that this is the exact place where you have no other choice but to trust life and to trust that there is something better. In this state, and as quickly as possible, you will want to choose to surrender yourself. When I first heard this English word “Surrender”, I felt relief without even knowing exactly what it meant at that time. Though a great amount of consideration of this word and its concept I had the sudden overwhelming understanding that I had been in resistance about everything in the past so far in my life, and was trying to force things to happen even though I realized I had no real control of anything. So I hit the ground on my knees, and having given up control entirely, I was asking for help, praying to The Universe (you can call it Love, Intuition, God, Nature or anything else that feels right for you): “Please help me to find courage, strength, and hope!” One thing I knew so clearly at this point; I wasn’t sure anymore about anything in life. That was the beginning of my surrendering process. Lost and humble I started to breathe with intent and listen to meditations for 20 minutes every morning and every night, to get myself in a place of calmness and surrender, and connectedness believing that there was a higher power that would help me soon. It was a great way to take care of myself, and to be in action. That was one of the greatest blessings I experienced, and one of the most powerful catalysts I have ever felt in the journey of healing and becoming strong again. Surrendering made me feel immediate relief. I could focus on getting better and not blaming myself anymore. As an added miracle to this process of Surrendering, I started to attract things that would made me feel better, such as: the right book to read, connecting with someone on social media that would share just exactly the right words or sentiment I needed to hear, or discovering an inspirational movie, or meeting someone who really touched and inspired me. In the decision to surrender it truly felt like the Universe was guiding me to the right places, the right moment, and so on. I learnt that Miracles happen when we shift our perspective. In fact, a miracle is just a change in perspective. What a great concept to integrate. It has been a constant reminder for my life. I believe the process of surrendering cannot be taught, you can only experience it by putting your faith in a higher power, whatever is you think the Higher power is, based on in regards to your personal belief or faith. Call it Your Inner Intuition, God, The Universe, Spiritual Energy, Love, Gaia, Nature, humanity, etc. Whatever concept fits for you. And then you will feel the shift, the connection, and the guidance you are looking for will come. This concept is a very real and very powerful one and can also work for you to bring about transformation and change. Though do be sure not to have any expectations on how the guidance and transformation will show up. Our experience is unique. I like to think that the experience we most need will show up in the perfect way and in our best interest for healing. Surrendering is giving up on your former belief system, giving up on any negative thoughts, giving up on how everything you think should be, giving up on you trying to control, and giving up on what you think is impossible. It is giving up on you being right or wrong, is giving up on your deepest fears. Surrendering is also giving up on any meaning you intend to create about your life’s experience. Surrendering is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer yourself. Go ahead and find your own experience of surrendering. Take a few moments to integrate that concept. What would your life be about if you stopped trying to control everything? What would your life be like if you knew that everything happens for your own best interest? What do you need right now to feel relief? What other thoughts would support the idea of you surrendering? Those questions are seeds you plant in your subconscious. Whether you find the answers or not, it doesn’t really matter. What matters the most is to change the dialog you are having with yourself. You will find your own powerful questions, and your own powerful answers in the right timing. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at [email protected]  As much as it deeply hurts us to do this, we often can’t help thinking somehow that there is something wrong with us, and that must be the reason for everything we experience in our life. Often an endless cycle of thoughts begins:
“What did I do wrong?”, “Why did I fail again?”, “How this is happening?”, and “Why couldn’t I do anything this time to make it better?”. We feel like a failure to ourselves; ashamed, angry, and guilty. We dream that there is a way of making this thing go away and somehow start to feel better. If only we could fix this. Indeed, this is normally the default place for our thoughts to go in the circumstance of our life. As a way of thinking, we focus on our circumstances and therefore, guess what? We make it mean something about ourselves. It failed, therefore I am a failure. Some examples of the voice you can hear running the show in the background of your mind are frequently: I am weak, I am not loveable, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a failure, nobody can possibly care about me and my flaws, I am a terrible person, I am rejected. The list could be infinite, but I’m certain most of you can relate easily. Now I am telling you something very important, so do pay attention here, even if you are not yet a firm believer: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Here is the truth: You did your best and so did everyone involved (even if it’s hard now for you to imagine). We are human beings, and we make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes, and we make more mistakes. And if we don’t get to the point where we understand why we did what we did, we end up creating the same situations over and over again without being even conscious. We get caught in our mind with our thoughts, patterns, and habits and we identify ourselves with them. We become who we supposed we think we are, who we think we can’t be, who we think deserve to suffer. All of that inner thinking we have is based on our circumstances. It fact we identify ourselves with the pain we feel because the human being is addicted to suffering. Isn’t it that awful? Our circumstances run the show most of the time unless we change something. If we start to change our perspective and take every mistake as an opportunity or a blessing to learn, grow and to get closer to ourselves, things seem to shift and we begin to feel lighter. I am proof of this very concept! There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or us, or them. We are always doing our best. So whatever happened in your relationship, the most important step is to drop the story about what you make it mean. And by ‘story’ I mean that inner dialogue; the judgments and meanings that you have formed to justify everything about how you are right. Begin to seek this shift out right now. Because there is no such meaning about you being a bad person or any other story you are telling yourself. This is just what it is. Beating yourself up will just entertain the idea of failure. Your circumstances are just your circumstances, and nothing else. Don’t make it mean anything. In my own experience, finally accepting that there was nothing wrong with me gave me instant relief. I didn’t need to be fixed in any way, I only needed to accept my experience as it was, and get something out of it. I had to remind myself of this concept from time to time, but finally gave me the courage to begin to feel better. If you can begin to melt a bit and begin to warm to this possibility, then you have already won a huge battle with your wounded Self, and have made a huge step in reclaiming back some of your sense of worth. All you must do is start having a compassionate conversation with yourself. I would encourage you to start right now with this statement that begins to loosen our hold on the judgments, and start to lean towards the powerful and transformative power of compassion and love: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I AM ALWAYS DOING MY BEST. I AM LOVEABLE AND WORTHY OF LOVE Close your eyes for few seconds, and repeat those words out loud or mentally, until you start to feel better. You may have to do it again and over again. Remind yourself this statement every day, until it becomes part of your belief system, part of who you become. Don’t have any expectations on how it’s supposed to help you. Just trust the process. You may be surprised to find that currently, you are in a state of feeling resistant or frozen to even allowing these words to take effect and to soften you, but have trust these are the words you are to choose to listen to from this day forward. They have a power. You may design your own powerful words and statement to get closer to the idea, that there is truly nothing wrong with you. The power also comes in the repetition and the commitment you can make towards doing this simple practice every day over the next week, the next month and ideally the months following that. Remind yourself every day, as a ritual in the morning, or at night until it becomes part of your belief system, part of who you are. I would highly recommend writing this statement on a piece of paper and put it where you can see it every day. If you find yourself other more personal or fitting powerful words or statement, I‘d love to hear them and to incorporate them if my next update’s article. Here are some examples some of my clients have shared: - I am perfect as I am and create the life I want. - I am whole and complete and free of any of my circumstances. - I am not my circumstances, and I am beyond powerful. - I am kind and open to the possibility to break free of my circumstances.- I am the love that I am and therefore use love to rise above from my circumstances. - I am worthy of love and change my thoughts accordingly. - I am loveable and have power over my life. - I am free of any judgments. Take notes here and create your own statement based on feeling good and empowered by reading it out loud. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at [email protected] |
Eric BensoussanTransformational Relationship & Divorce Coaching. Categories
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