When was the last time you have been honest with yourself? Truly honest.
As we live our lives, we are constantly making choices based on how we feel. Some of these choices are courageous and come from a place of love, some of these choices come from a place of fear, and don’t reflect who we really are.
When we make choices from a place of fear, or “I am afraid of”, our mind has a way to find so many excuses to justify our behaviours. We create these little stories in our head that will validate our choices. And we can go on and on until we are really stuck in situations we never really wanted in the first place or stuck in an emotional challenge that can prevent us to move forward.
Then we are forced to self reflect on our choices and why we created situations that don’t feel aligned with our essence, our truth. We may be confused, and frustrated but deep down we know that is preventing us to be greater than who we are. We are afraid of our light, and magnificence. Who am I to really think that I can be better than this? Am I allowed to think that way? Is there anyone who can validate my choice according to my highest good? If you pause a minute here, you can see that those thoughts are keeping us small. We will probably end up recreating the same experience over and over again.
What if we can operate from a different place or different programming than the one which is limiting us?
Is there a magic formula, or a potion that will help us to be unstoppable?
There is one magic formula: It’s you. It’s you being honest with yourself. It’s you being aware of all the limiting beliefs that you have accumulated along the years.
In order to start creating more honesty and to face what we fear, what makes us uncomfortable, what make us feel hurt, you can start by asking yourself:
What am I afraid of?
I am sure we can all make a long list here.
And, next time you will have an emotional response, ask yourself: What am I afraid of?
Ex: I am afraid of being rejected, I am afraid people will see who I really am, I am afraid to feel weak, I am afraid about my feelings, I am afraid of trusting people….. ( add yours to this list).
Depending on where you are in your human growth, It will require some courage and bravery. It will require compassion towards yourself. It will create more discomfort than you expect. Actually the more discomfort you feel, the more space you create for transformation.
The transformation comes from who you become being courageous and honest with yourself. It comes from the realization of your limiting beliefs. It comes from the resources you can start to tap in to transcend yourself.
I’ll be honest with you, I have done a lot of self-development work, a lot of healing, and a lot of growth, and I can still find myself hiding being honest, or not confronting myself with my fears. This is probably why I felt drawn to write about the topic.
I can recognize that each time I have been in vulnerable places or situations, the transformation was there too.
I can recognize that it never ends, that this is a lifetime practice.
Being honest with yourself is also being able to allow yourself to go with your own timing or own agenda. I don’t believe we can be raw, wild and vulnerable all the time. At least this is my experience.
It comes as waves of transformation, growth, and healing. And when you feel the waves coming in, that’s the time to be really honest with yourself and to give yourself a push up towards more light, truth, and light.
There is one thing that has helped me in the past until now. When I feel these waves coming, I don’t resist anymore, I allow a space to feel and heal. I talk less, I really dive into feelings. I reflect.
Then I remind myself that I always have a choice:
1/Opening and expanding my heart
2/Closing my heart.
I believe that life is about expanding our heart, opening up to love more and more without any fears.
Being honest with yourself is to start recognizing that we can open or close our heart. That we can live towards the light or stay in our limitations. That we can be courageous or fearful. That we have a choice in every situation. Being honest is making progress even if they are small. Being honest is always doing our best to live our life according to what really matters the most for us.
My invitation to you is to answer these questions :
-What really matters for you?
-What’s the one thing you want to accomplish in your life that would really be a heart opening experience?
-What would you want to be appreciated for?
Then how can you honor and honest to your answers in your life?
10 THINGS TO CREATE HARMONY AND CONNECTION AT HOME
Most people reaching the end of life recognize that it was the relationships in their lives that mattered the most in the end. It wasn't their career, or hobbies, or finances; it was people and the connections that they most cherished.
We are now living in the era of technology where everything goes fast. In the work environment, we are expected to do more, to thrive, and to excel at what we do. We work long hours to prove to everyone that we are worthy of trust and even greater responsibilities.
However, what is the impact of this on your personal life?
What are the consequences when we get so busy, or continually caught up in the illusion of busyness?
When you go home after giving everything at work, how can you then be fully present for your responsibilities and family?
It can be so easy to get lost and caught up in this common pattern that leads us to be ourselves disconnected and ultimately disempowered.
Like most of us, any of my clients have experienced this and as a result, they have come to face issues and struggles in their relationships.
If I may share my own experience, there was a time in my life where I found myself unconsciously falling into the trap of being busy. I wanted to avoid getting into conflicts at home, so I would focus more on my work convincing myself that I had no other choice. I made up stories that my work was more important than my relationship, and I started to believe them. I stopped looking for a better time management to improve schedule.
At that time, I was not aware of all the consequences, and impact on my relationship. There is a definitely a fine line before it gets out of balance.
Fortunately, you have the power and the choice to prevent it.
My invitation to you is to reflect on how you can become more in tune with both you and partner’s needs, and create a new experience. Take what you need from this article and practice. Commit yourself to daily practice.
Here are 10 things you can invite into your life to create balance and harmony between your work your and love life.
1/Set clear boundaries
When you are at work, you focus on work. When you are not at work, stop working.
When you are at home, you focus on what’s happening at home.
Separating your two worlds can be a stress reliever.
Remember, ultimately it is you who sets the terms of your life, so don't be afraid to choose what you truly want to create and have the courage to set those reasonable boundaries for your workplace.
Take some time before you go back home to breathe, and to clear your mind from all your day. A 5 min or 10 min breathing exercise in your car, can help you reconnect yourself in the present moment.
When I go to yoga my teacher tells me that I have everything I need and that I always have the strength I require. Breathing as a main practice in yoga allows me to reconnect with this strength. If you take time to reconnect with yourself and be present, you set clearer definitions between work and home.
Take at least 2 full hours to recharge, reconnect and appreciate your life at home.
2/Create a clear vision and statement to define the shared values of your relationship.
Without a doubt, you’ve got to define what is important to you as a family, and you’ve got to make that the most important priority.
What values are most important and why?
This is something that you both want to define together as a couple.
What kind of family do you want to be? What kind of partner would you like to be for each other?
We don’t usually take time to create a vision aligned with our common values.
If you haven’t asked yourself those questions I would encourage you to sit down with your partner, and to get real about each other and what do you want to create together. What do you want to experience for now and for the future? What is home representing to one another?
As you get clear, you will be able to find ways to honor your vision daily. Maybe you can print your statement and have it visible to see it every day. Or you can create an altar that reminds you what’s important for both of you. How would you honor each other through your daily life? Keep it simple and authentic.
3/Few rules for home that you might want to apply
Home is your ultimate sanctuary in the world. You have to protect this sanctuary at all cost.
Everyone needs to feel safe while at home, and happy to come back.
- No phone, laptops or tv in the bedroom. A bedroom is a place for intimacy, nourishment, connection, and rejuvenation.
- No arguments or fighting at home. If for some reason one of you gets triggered, or upset, just let it go. You can tell your partner you got triggered, and calm down. You always have the option to take time to reset and calm. You can support each other in this process without any judgments.
As a good reminder, your triggers are your responsibility.
- Agree to a time once a week outside the home, where you can talk about those upsets. This time is created to talk how you experienced life at home for the previous week. In this space, you just listen to each other, acknowledging each other feelings without trying to justify yourself, wanting to be right or fix anything.
You express, you listen, you acknowledge, and you move on.
- Decide together what do you want to experience at home? Love, Connection, Joy, Peace, Laughter. Choose your experiences and set intentions. Where intention goes, energy flows. Talk with your partner and remind each other of the experience you want to share when one of you feel disconnected.
- Create rituals and stick to them. Devoting some time to these rituals can strengthen the container of your relationship.
4/Choose your words
The words we use are very important and influence our state of mind. “Busy” for example is a disempowering word and gives the impression it is beyond your control.
How about you rephrase and choose a different one? Instead of busy, maybe you can say, “I am really focused when I am at work.” Instead of saying, "I don’t have time, you say, ”I am looking for ideas to get more organized I can get to do everything I need to". Instead of saying "I feel stressed from work," learn to say,"I am so glad I can disconnect from work when I am at home." You get the idea.
The way you think creates your experience.
Make sure at some point in your week, you are your priority. Having one hour or two just for yourself can make a huge difference in your week. Do what you like to check in and replenish yourself, meditate, practice a sport or book a healthcare session.
If possible repeat that twice a week. Or make it a daily practice, 10 minutes a day for yourself, and do something you love. It can be anything: a good laugh, listening to music, reading a book, or going for a walk. Practice the practice, and make sure to put it on your calendar. No excuses. It is as important as anything else. You go to work even if you don’t feel like it. You take care of yourself even if you don’t feel like it.
Be gentle with yourself and others.
6/Quality time vs Quantity
In my experience, It’s never about the quantity. Quality is one of the keys that creates a long-lasting relationship.
Make sure that you are fully present with your partner, and focus on appreciation. Practice centering yourself from a place of love and respect for your partner. Be curious, creative and look out for things that can make the relationship exciting. Don’t settle into a routine.
Create new experiences together.
You also want to make sure that you have something you do together at least once a week. It can be anything: going to the market to buy healthy foods, going to the gym or yoga, going to see a movie. Have fun being together. Be silly!
Quality and appreciation together create a better connection.
Don’t get yourself caught in being overwhelmed. Make your life easy.
Schedule, organize and ask for help whenever you can. Practice, review and re-organize until you find solutions that work for you. From hiring a cleaning service or having meals delivered to your doorstep, or hiring a personal trainer so you can create more time with your partner doing something else. Anything you can think of that you don’t have to do yourself, will get you great support and open up more room for quality time. It doesn’t have to be every week if you are on a tight budget.
8/ Trade your Expectations for Appreciation.
Expectations are one of the killers in relationships. If you expect anything from your partner other than who they are showing up as right now, you expect them to be someone else.
Let them be who they want to be.
Don't make any assumptions that they know what you need.
Trade your expectations for appreciation, and focus on the positive and on what’s working well in the relationship.
Make a list of what you are grateful for.
Make a list of what you love about your partner. Instead of complaining about what you don't like, talk, and share more about what you love.
Show unconditional support no matter what.
You are on the same team no matter what.
If you disagree, look for a third perspective (neither hers or his).
9/ Forgive and Move on.
Never go to bed annoyed or upset, it affects the quality of your sleep and your next morning mood. Clear up anything with your partner before going to bed. The idea is not to be right or to complain. It’s more about expressing, clearing, forgiving and moving on.
If you have something to say, just say it with love, understanding, and compassion.
Never play the game of "being right or wrong", as there is never a winner. That’s the game for an ordinary life, as opposed to living an extraordinary life. An extraordinary life is living the life you want and living it powerfully.
Remember, until you learn all the communication skills between men and women, you are allowed to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t make it mean anything about yourself or your partner.
10/ When everything falls apart, Change your perspective.
When the relationship feels it's falling apart, you need clarity.
The only truly empowering option here is to seek for a new perspective.
Talk to a friend who is supportive and listens to you, not someone that tells you what to do. Voicing can help you understand your thinking process, and you can begin to lessen the heightened emotions and start to gain perspective.
Don’t believe anything you think. Question your thoughts, and see which ones give you an opportunity to change your perspective.
Let go of any negative or limiting thoughts.
Seek for solutions, rather than focusing on the problems.
When you focus on the problem, you recreate the energy that created the problem.
Rephrase your words, and thoughts in a direction where you feel connected with yourself and love.
As you practice the art of changing your perspective, you will create miracles in your relationships, and in your life.
The list of things I suggested is just as a starting point.
There are many other ways if you seek for them.
Find what works best for you.
Focus on growth and co-creating in your relationship, as opposed to being dependent on each other.
Do your best and trust the process.
Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry?
What support might you need?
I’d love to help you!
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Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coaching.