Is everything looks like what they really seem to be?
I learned that in Relationships, there are many layers for the reason we behave with others. I use to argue a lot with my first wife, not really understanding how to stop it. Sadly, it became the only for us to connect.
WHAT"S REALLY BEHIND ANY FIGHTS AND ARGUES?
It's probably not what you have in mind.
It has almost nothing to do with the things you are arguing about.
Fighting is about a lack of affection, respect, love, power, care, or a combination of those.
DO YOU WANT TO STOP FIGHTING?
When we fight, we believe a story that we made up about a situation, and we believe it's the truth.
ex: Because If I feel you don't care about me, it must be true. if it's not true, what am I am being left with?
I need to feel sane, so I fight and try to be right.
There are few things to understand:
-When we fight everyone wants to feel that they matter. That the other person will respect what you are going through.
-We want to be able to share how we feel and why, whether it's justified or not.
- We want to feel acknowledged, and feel that the other person has the ability to validate our feelings and appreciate our own experiences.
There is an opportunity to reflect it. What if you create space in the conversation that everyone feels heard, and not blamed? Wouldn't it be great?
The first thing to do is to shift your perspective from reacting to reflecting. The only way I know is to be able to share your experience instead of blaming.
Ex: When you do ... , here is how I feel. It has nothing to do with you. It's just my experience. This is how I feel, and I take responsibility for how I feel. The other person just has to listen and acknowledge you. There is nothing to agree with or to fix.
Once your experiences are acknowledged you feel sane, and validated. Suddenly, there is no need to react, but to reflect and to be able to bring compassion for the other.
This is an opportunity to stop reacting, and start reflecting.
Both you and your partner have to acknowledge that this is a process that will facilitate a conversation instead of going to the daily routine of blaming the other. Like every process, it has to be practiced over and over again until it becomes natural. The minute you will stop practicing, you will go back to your old habits.
Are you committed to stop fighting?
As a reminder, no one likes to be judged or attacked.
By sharing your experience there is no place for judgments anymore.
You both take responsibility for your own experience and just have to be there to support each other.
The second step would be to add some request to your partner in order for him or her to support you. Knowing that a request is not mandatory. You have to let your partner free to accept or not to access your request. When you make a request, if the request is not accepted, you have the capacity of letting go and find peace.
ex: I would really appreciate if you can tell me when you are not able to commit to a task you said you would do it. it would make life easier for me, so than I know what has to be done.
ex: I'd like to share what happened for me at work. I need to complain. Please just listen, don't judge or comment. All I need is to get it out of my chest. Thank you.
In case your partner refuses to accept your request, and you feel rejected, frustrated or upset, you fully take responsibility. It's an indication of a hurt or a wound that hasn't been addressed and healed. You are dedicated to do the inner work in order to let it go.
As the opposite a requirement is a non-negotiable. Only you know where is your limit between a request and a requirement. When a requirement is not honoured, there are some consequences that can lead to making decisions. A requirement reflects a boundary.
This process is life-changing. It opens up a space for understanding, compassion, and appreciation for one another. It creates support and a deeper connection.
Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry?
What support might you need?
I’d love to help you!
I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through.
To get in touch, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coaching.